One Week of Mitch Hedberg - To be updated daily

In honor of the week leading up to Cold Hands, I bring you:

ONE MITCH HEDBERG JOKE PER DAY.

Monday: 

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.




Tuesday: 

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."



Wednesday:

An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."




Thursday:


Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.






Friday:


I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.



Saturday:
If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"






And Sunday... Just a little bit early.  Think of it as a gift.  A useless gift that you'll never be able to return:


I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!








And a long lost Mitch Hedberg letter to the makers of the uniball pen.