One Week of Mitch Hedberg - To be updated daily

In honor of the week leading up to Cold Hands, I bring you:

ONE MITCH HEDBERG JOKE PER DAY.

Monday: 

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.




Tuesday: 

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."



Wednesday:

An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."




Thursday:


Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.






Friday:


I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.



Saturday:
If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"






And Sunday... Just a little bit early.  Think of it as a gift.  A useless gift that you'll never be able to return:


I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!








And a long lost Mitch Hedberg letter to the makers of the uniball pen.

Here Comes the Season!

THE 9TH ANNUAL TIM O'DONNELL HONORARY COLD HANDS PADDLE!!!!!

Here's the email from Fred:

To all family, friends, fellow watermen & waterwomen,

We are two weeks away from the 9^th Annual Cold Hands Paddle.  So, dust off your paddleboards, SUP boards, OC’s, Surfski’s, or Dory’s and get your tail down to Cabrillo Beach on March 4^th!  The race is free to enter and supports the Ocean of Hope Campaign and the fight against cancer! 

Where: Cabrillo Beach, San Pedro, CA

When: Sunday, March 4^th, 2012

Registration Opens: 7am

Race Start:  8:30am

Free Entry: open to all ages, all participants must sign waiver

Live music, Award Ceremony and Raffle following race

*Event T-shirts will be available for sale

*Raffle: Grand Prize 14' Joe Bark SUP Board.  buying tckets also qualifies you to for a second drawing in August for a second chance to win a paddleboard

*Food: Some limited quantities of pre/post race snacks & nutrition will be provided, please plan on bringing your own food if you wish…

More on the Ocean of Hope& Sarcoma Alliance:

This is a fundraising event for The Ocean of Hope Campaign. Please support our raffle and t-shirt sales and feel free to donate at registration. All donations are tax deductible and help to fund second opinion grants for sarcoma cancer patients through theSarcoma Alliance.  Sarcoma is a rare, often very quick and aggressive form of cancer that can affect most tissues in the body.  The Ocean of Hope Team consists of paddlers who dedicate their training and racing to raising money for the Sarcoma Alliance, a non-profit organization that helps those fighting cancer.  These paddlers race in some of the most contested and competitive races in California and Hawaii throughout the summer months, while also raising awareness about sarcoma cancers. Last year, our team raised over $80,000; in the 11 years since its inception, the Ocean of Hope has donated almost $1 million dollars to cancer patients fighting this deadly disease. We are not a big corporate charity with all the overhead costs and CEO expenses. Our efforts are grassroots and rely both on the strong dedication of our paddlers and the generous support of people like you.     

If you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the race, please feel free to send me a message.  Feel free to pass ths along to anyone you know who may be interested.  Thanks for all your support; I hope to see you there!   

-Fred Sardisco

coldhandspaddle@gmail.com

Special thanks to our sponsors who helped make this event possible:

C2 Financial Corp (Frank & Mike); Joe Bark Paddleboards; Cabrillo Beach Boosters; ZICO; GU

ROFLMAO

All time.

Happy 40th Birthday Billie Joe Armstrong.

This is my generation.

Daves Like These

Recipe for a Hit:

Start with a little Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell singing/yelling/rapping:  Days Like These.

Sprinkle in a little of Van Halen's David Lee Roth singing/yelling/screeching: Runnin' With the Devil.

Boil it down at a low temperature to condense the beauty of these tunes.

Carefully pick out the guitars, drums, keyboards, record scratching, and all the assorted accoutrements.

You should now be left with just these fine gentlemen in their element.

Enjoy.




Oh yeah.

"Achilles absent was Achilles still." -Homer

Considered by many to be the best resignation letter, ever.

(1)  This is rumored to have been written by a Gregory Evans, Jr., to the partners at Paul-Hastings.  I have no way to verify that one way or the other.  So, follow the link if you'd like.
(2)  Here's the link:  Letter link.
(3)  I mainly like the quote from Homer.

-------------------------------------------

From: [REDACTED] Sent: Thursday, May 27, 2004 1:11 PM Subject: FW: Goodbye…

As many of you are aware, today is my last day at the firm. It is time for me to move on and I want you to know that I have accepted a position as “Trophy Husband”. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident this new role represents a welcome change in my life and a step up from my current situation. While I have a high degree of personal respect for PHJW as a law firm, and I have made wonderful friendships during my time here, I am no longer comfortable working for a group largely populated by gossips, backstabbers and Napoleonic personalities. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be dressed up like a pinata and beaten than remain with this group any longer. I wish you continued success in your goals to turn vibrant, productive, dedicated associates into an aimless, shambling group of dry, lifeless husks.

May the smoke from any bridges I burn today be seen far and wide.

Respectfully submitted,

[SIGNED]

ps. Achilles absent, was Achilles still. (Homer)

What the hell is an aluminum falcon?!

OK Go, #2 (these guys rule)

Here is a link to #1: Click for Link.

Then there was this:



Which was then upgraded to this:




And now here's the latest:



Yeah, it was an ad for Chevy... but how cool is this?!

More pepper

Last but not least is a photo I took.
It was 4:30 in the afternoon last Sunday.
The wife and daughter were gone for the weekend.
This was last Sunday.
I was craving a burrito from El Sitio.
It was Sunday.
I figured I'd get a burrito for dinner.
After all, it was Sunday.
Drove up and HAD to take a picture... it being Sunday and all.

Dream big. Be strong. Conquer.

-Nick Vujicic

Moai